there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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