Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
