You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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