and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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