My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
