I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
