Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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