i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
