is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
