I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
