ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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