well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
