when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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