Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
