is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
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can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
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Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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