beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
