note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I love having hate sex.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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