like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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