So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
29 People Who Do Dirty Things Just To Get Their Way
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.