It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
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Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
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Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer