At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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