You can't motorboat a personality
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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