She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Randomize
