I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
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Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
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He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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