we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
