When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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