I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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