# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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