I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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