Dude my mom stole all your condoms
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
