a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
