I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
