I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
