so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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