I cockslap morals
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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