yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
