I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
