its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
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She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
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I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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