I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
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