There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
