Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
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