I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
