god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear