This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
