life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES