So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.