I should be sponsored by Trojan
Dignity is for republicans.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
