theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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