Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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