I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
