Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
