i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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