you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
