I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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