im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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