i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
