i don't like sucking hair
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
then he tried to convert me to islam
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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